By now most of you are probably aware that I am quite obsessed with the animal kingdom. One of the reasons could be because I spend so much time in the company of animals that I have started observing certain traits in them that can be easily associated with human behaviors… and vice versa. So much am I now accustomed to this ability, that I can easily spot an ugly toad behind the prettiest of faces sporting the loveliest of dimpled smiles and a vicious reptilian tongue in the mouth of the most empathetic voice inquiring about my well-being in the sweetest tone possible. But all this comes from experience and experience is not easy to come by. You don’t learn these things and master such art by mere observations. You need to be a part of the drama, go through the entire drill of being at the receiving end, drawing the short straw, getting overlooked, becoming a scape-goat and generally having made an idiot of sorts by make-believe circumstances that have been erected around you just like a movie set draped with green to make it easier for planting stuff against you which you can swear to God are generated rather than real. This is the essence of corporate politics the end result of which is either an evolution into a corporate player yourself by using your experience to learn the finer nuances of this game and eventually turning the table on those who bulldozed you over the years or leaving the playing field altogether and turning your attention to other real fields like growing organic vegetables, cultivating mushrooms, rearing poultry or farming fish – the possibilities are endless.

As I look back on the lessons that I learned as a result of my tryst with corporate politics, I can very easily bucketize certain characters according to their close resemblance with certain members of the animal-kind (God bless them – not the people but the animals – since animals, though sentient creatures, are so much more cognizant, direct and simple in their needs & wants that they do not indulge in any sort of politics. What you see is what you get – the underlying philosophy of everything that they do is survival of the fittest). While the underlying philosophy of everything that humans do too is based on survival of the fittest, we are not just happy surviving, are we? We want to be physically, mentally, and spiritually superior and we need money to fulfill not just our every need but our every greed and the needs and greeds of all our forthcoming generations as well. That is the basic difference.

So here are the different animal characteristics (according to my observations) that people closely resemble when they are up to some or the other political mischief:

1.     The sheep in lion’s clothing: These people come across as highly charismatic. They talk well, they dress well, they have a tremendously positive attitude, they radiate confidence, they are well-liked by their colleagues & clientele alike, they are extremely empathetic, and appear to understand their job all too well. Till disaster strikes, that is. They are like fair-weather friends who promise the world to you when things are going right but, as soon as they see that their position is in danger for whatever reason, they will do anything and everything within their power to safeguard themselves by quickly aligning themselves with the “power centers”.

2.     The crying crocodiles: These people are very good at showcasing themselves as victims. They possess the art of demonstrating how every circumstance is being wilfully created only to show them in a bad light. They are quick to blame anybody that crosses their path for everything that is going bad for them. They can generate excuses out of thin air to justify poor performance. But their greatest ability is to create extreme empathy for their sorry condition in the minds of those key people who they know are the “guardians of the corporate galaxy” especially positioned in their critical roles to give a patient hearing to these conjurers of tears at will.

3.     The monkeys bearing torches: These people are usually planted across various teams within an organization by the said “guardians of the corporate galaxies” to act as their eyes & ears and are privy to critically harmful information that has the potential to destroy careers and which they do not have the maturity to handle. Moreover, due to the powers bestowed on them by the “guardians”, they have the liberty to cook information according to their own taste and feed it to them. The “guardians” then take a call based on how palatable the information is. If it is too bland, the monkeys are called upon to add more spice.

4.     The barking dogs: These people are usually naïve and like barking dogs, do not bite. But they have the tendency to relentlessly voice out their opinions across the board without giving a thought to the consequences of their actions. While it is alright as long as they are talking to the relevant group of people; however, the minute they start barking up the wrong tree – they are usually put down like rabid dogs.

5.     The curious cats: These people come across as very friendly and helpful. However, they know how to extract information out of you like a pro. Poking their noses in everybody’s business is their core motive and based on what they dig out, they will decide who to stick around with for their own selfish interests.

6.     The “not so wise” old owls: By virtue of spending many years in the same organization, these people, whether they learn anything else or not, definitely learn how to beat the system by utilizing all the loopholes effectively. They know the pulse of the management, which are the real power centers, how to navigate through the corporate maze without getting into the limelight for all the wrong reasons, and best of all, how to survive (even grow) in spite of a consistently mediocre track record.

7.     The color-changing chameleons: These people manage to stay in the good books of all who matter – especially the top management – to fulfill their own selfish needs. They win over impressionable folk with their sweet talk as smoothly as they push them away when they find it is no longer politically correct to associate with them. These are the ones who you see supporting everyone’s views in a meeting even when they are conflicting especially if the ones expressing them hold influential positions. They can quickly come out of sticky situations by blatantly denying being involved in or having said anything politically incorrect leaving others in trouble.

8.     The proud peacocks: These people are extremely arrogant and come across as rude. They can be further categorized into the ones who are proud due to their immense experience & knowledge and look down upon others who do not measure up to their intellectual stature and the ones who are proud of their positions in an organization and consider it their birthright to throw their weights around by wielding their power to punish people under them when they do not align with their expectations. The former are usually domain experts who know the solutions to critical problems and take complete undue advantage of the situation because they know their expertise is valuable to the company. The latter manage to garner loyal followers till the time they are in that position who feed on their power like parasites – the moment they move out of their positions, the parasites move on to other hosts.

9.     The talking parrots: These people have the gift of the gab and can talk at length on any subject under the sky like a pro. They project an attitude of being highly well-informed irrespective of the fact whether they really are. You see them talking in every meeting they are invited to – whether their comments are required or not. They have an opinion on everything and have the innate need to comment and ask questions whether they are relevant or not – they insist on being heard.

10.  The (anti) social butterflies: These people are present in all team meetings & events and they are also present across all social platforms. They are however seen hanging around with only those people who they know are in the circle of the influencers and the ones who wield power. While they are pretty much active on social platforms, they will carefully comment & like only the posts that come from their politically powerful connections whom they know they can benefit from.

11.  The elegant elephants: These are usually the executive leaders who visit their offices across the globe once in a while in their larger-than-life avatars giving an impression that they are spectral, unearthly beings incapable of being touched by anything even remotely unethical. They thrive on delivering sermons on how spotless their organizations are and how equally whitewashed behaviors are expected of those who work there. Keeping the machine of such massive organizations running though, requires tremendous amounts of political acumen at a global level.

12.  The scapegoats: These people are at the bottom of the corporate food chain pyramid usually getting devoured by those politically smarter than them. They are not necessarily the junior-most employees but the ones who are the most politically unsavvy. They face the brunt of the corporate war for power, usually get caught in the crossfire, and have to bear the consequences of ultimately getting blamed for issues that they were not responsible for in the first place.

Whether these people have a fire in their belly or a fire up somewhere else and whether they are in the role of kicking or licking that “somewhere else” (not their own), they create the political foundation of organizations that they work for and are responsible for making & breaking careers – their own as well as of others. So, who are “these people” exactly? They are all of us – we are “these people” and we don the roles of all such characters (the ones highlighted above and many others) throughout our tenure in the corporate sector. Some of us do it out of our own free will, while some of us are forced; whatever the case may be, none of us can keep ourselves away from it if we want to survive. The oft-asked question about how strong is your “business acumen” is nothing else but how good are you at navigating corporate politics and using it to further the gains of your organization because no matter what you want to believe and what you proclaim, there is no such thing as an ethical organization and if you want to stay in the game, you will automatically be pushed into the domino effect of circumstances that will knock you down one way or the other. The trick is to accept the reality and move on without losing your balance if you want to survive and thrive. Most of us know the reality so there is no point in ranting about it or running away from it. Either face it bravely and become a game-changer or change your playing field. End of the day, whether it is the jungle or the so-called modern civilized world, it is only the fittest who will survive to see another day.